The Courage to be Disliked: The Japanese Phenomenon That Shows You How to Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness
Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
ISBN-10: 9781501197291
ISBN-13: 978-1501197291
APA Style Citation
Kishimi, I. & Koga, F. (2017). The courage to be disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness. Atria Books.
Buy This Book
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness-ebook/dp/B078MDSV8T?ref_=ast_author_mpb
Author: Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga
ISBN-10: 9781501197291
ISBN-13: 978-1501197291
APA Style Citation
Kishimi, I. & Koga, F. (2017). The courage to be disliked: The Japanese phenomenon that shows you how to change your life and achieve real happiness. Atria Books.
Buy This Book
https://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Disliked-Phenomenon-Happiness-ebook/dp/B078MDSV8T?ref_=ast_author_mpb
| courage_to_be_disliked_activity.pdf |
Book Description
The Courage to Be Disliked is a unique philosophical dialogue between a young student and a philosopher, unfolding over five nights. Centered on Adlerian psychology, the book explores themes of happiness, freedom, and self-worth through thoughtful conversation and reflection. Adler and Freud were close in age and worked together as equals, unlike Jung, who regarded Freud as a father figure. Though psychology is often most associated with Freud and Jung, Adler is widely recognized as one of the three major figures in the field. He broke away to develop his own theory focused on individual purpose and social connection. Like Socrates, Adler left behind few written works, preferring direct, personal dialogue over writing. This conversational style is reflected in the book’s structure, offering readers an engaging and accessible path into Adler’s psychological philosophy.
In the first night of discussion between the philosopher and the student, the philosopher introduces key concepts of Adlerian psychology, emphasizing that trauma is not the cause of our unhappiness or failures. Instead of focusing on past experiences and deterministic cause-and-effect reasoning (etiology), Adlerian psychology centers on teleology—the purpose or goals individuals set for themselves. According to this view, people are not driven by their past but by the goals they choose, and emotions like anger are tools used to achieve those goals. Happiness and unhappiness are choices, and personality—or "lifestyle"—is something one consciously selects, typically around age ten. Changing this lifestyle requires great courage, as life is determined in the present moment, not by past events, which Adlerians argue do not truly exist.
In the second night of discussion, the philosopher explains that all problems are fundamentally interpersonal relationship problems. People often believe that achieving a specific goal will make life better, but even when wishes are fulfilled, their inner struggles often remain. Many seek to avoid getting hurt in relationships, but pain is an unavoidable part of human connection, and loneliness can exist even in the presence of others. Adlerian psychology emphasizes that feelings of inferiority are universal, but it's how we respond—through striving and growth—that matters. Inferiority and superiority complexes are unhealthy responses rooted in external validation and comparison, whereas a healthy pursuit of superiority means moving forward based on one's ideal self, not in competition with others. True freedom and happiness come when we abandon competition, embrace our uniqueness, and see others as comrades rather than rivals. Anger, often used as a tool for control, should be recognized as part of a power struggle to be stepped away from. Adlerian psychology encourages two life goals: self-reliance and living in harmony with others, achieved by courageously facing life’s tasks—work, friendship, and love. Avoiding these through blame or distraction creates a “life-lie.”
In the third night of discussion, the philosopher introduces the Adlerian principle of "separating tasks," urging the student to discard the need for recognition and stop intervening in others’ responsibilities. Many people seek approval because of a reward-and-punishment upbringing, but true freedom comes from not living to meet others' expectations—just as others are not obligated to meet yours. This doesn’t mean acting selfishly or disregarding others, but rather understanding boundaries: knowing what is and isn't your task. Before acting, one should ask, "Whose task is this?" and then avoid intruding. For example, a counselor can offer help, but whether the client changes is not their task. This mindset transforms interpersonal relationships by relieving the burden of needing to be liked or approved of. Living freely means accepting that some people may dislike you—and having the courage to be disliked is inseparable from the courage to be happy. Adlerian psychology does not promote neglect, but intentional understanding and respect for others’ autonomy.
In the fourth night of discussion, the philosopher emphasizes shifting from a self-centered worldview to one rooted in community and social interest. According to Adlerian psychology, the goal of interpersonal relationships is to cultivate a genuine sense of connection and equality—beginning with “you and I” and extending to all humanity. This requires moving away from attachment to self-interest and embracing concern for others, recognizing that we are not the center of the world. The world is not flat like a map but round like a globe, where everyone shares equal footing. In communication, Adlerian psychology rejects both praise and rebuke, as both reinforce vertical, hierarchical relationships. Praise, though seemingly positive, subtly implies superiority and can cause the recipient to believe they lack inherent ability, making them dependent on external validation. Creating even one vertical relationship can shift all interactions into power dynamics. Instead, Adlerian relationships are built on mutual respect, equality, and the courage to contribute to others without seeking control or approval.
In the fifth and final night of discussion, the philosopher urges the student to live earnestly in the here and now, grounding their life not in self-affirmation but in self-acceptance—acknowledging one’s limitations while still moving forward. Adlerian psychology teaches “affirmative resignation,” the ability to distinguish between what can and cannot be changed. Relationships are founded not on conditional trust but on unconditional confidence—believing in others without expectation or control, which builds horizontal, equal connections. Contribution to others, not self-sacrifice, is at the heart of meaningful work and a sense of purpose. True happiness stems from the feeling that “I am of use to someone,” though it is not up to us to determine the value of our contributions—that is the task of others. Adler warns against workaholism and the pursuit of “easy superiority,” such as acting out for attention, which masks avoidance and insecurity. Instead, he promotes the courage to be normal and to commit to one’s community through honest, consistent effort. The greatest life-lie, he concludes, is avoiding the present moment—failing to live here and now.
In conclusion, Adler teaches that life has no inherent meaning—any meaning must be created by the individual. Finding purpose begins with the courage to live freely, without fear of being disliked or conforming to others’ expectations. This path becomes clear when guided by the principle of contributing to others. As long as you focus on being of use, you won’t lose your way. True freedom is living your own life, and if you want the world to change, that change must start with you.
Other Related Resources
Productivity Game: THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED by F. Koga and I. Kishimi | Core Message
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFxn40zvl-E
Psychological Concepts and Figures
Alfred Adler
Sigmund Freud
Carl Jung
Determinism
Ideal self
Individual psychology
Inferiority
Personality
Rewards and punishments
Self-acceptance
Superiority
Trauma
The Courage to Be Disliked is a unique philosophical dialogue between a young student and a philosopher, unfolding over five nights. Centered on Adlerian psychology, the book explores themes of happiness, freedom, and self-worth through thoughtful conversation and reflection. Adler and Freud were close in age and worked together as equals, unlike Jung, who regarded Freud as a father figure. Though psychology is often most associated with Freud and Jung, Adler is widely recognized as one of the three major figures in the field. He broke away to develop his own theory focused on individual purpose and social connection. Like Socrates, Adler left behind few written works, preferring direct, personal dialogue over writing. This conversational style is reflected in the book’s structure, offering readers an engaging and accessible path into Adler’s psychological philosophy.
In the first night of discussion between the philosopher and the student, the philosopher introduces key concepts of Adlerian psychology, emphasizing that trauma is not the cause of our unhappiness or failures. Instead of focusing on past experiences and deterministic cause-and-effect reasoning (etiology), Adlerian psychology centers on teleology—the purpose or goals individuals set for themselves. According to this view, people are not driven by their past but by the goals they choose, and emotions like anger are tools used to achieve those goals. Happiness and unhappiness are choices, and personality—or "lifestyle"—is something one consciously selects, typically around age ten. Changing this lifestyle requires great courage, as life is determined in the present moment, not by past events, which Adlerians argue do not truly exist.
In the second night of discussion, the philosopher explains that all problems are fundamentally interpersonal relationship problems. People often believe that achieving a specific goal will make life better, but even when wishes are fulfilled, their inner struggles often remain. Many seek to avoid getting hurt in relationships, but pain is an unavoidable part of human connection, and loneliness can exist even in the presence of others. Adlerian psychology emphasizes that feelings of inferiority are universal, but it's how we respond—through striving and growth—that matters. Inferiority and superiority complexes are unhealthy responses rooted in external validation and comparison, whereas a healthy pursuit of superiority means moving forward based on one's ideal self, not in competition with others. True freedom and happiness come when we abandon competition, embrace our uniqueness, and see others as comrades rather than rivals. Anger, often used as a tool for control, should be recognized as part of a power struggle to be stepped away from. Adlerian psychology encourages two life goals: self-reliance and living in harmony with others, achieved by courageously facing life’s tasks—work, friendship, and love. Avoiding these through blame or distraction creates a “life-lie.”
In the third night of discussion, the philosopher introduces the Adlerian principle of "separating tasks," urging the student to discard the need for recognition and stop intervening in others’ responsibilities. Many people seek approval because of a reward-and-punishment upbringing, but true freedom comes from not living to meet others' expectations—just as others are not obligated to meet yours. This doesn’t mean acting selfishly or disregarding others, but rather understanding boundaries: knowing what is and isn't your task. Before acting, one should ask, "Whose task is this?" and then avoid intruding. For example, a counselor can offer help, but whether the client changes is not their task. This mindset transforms interpersonal relationships by relieving the burden of needing to be liked or approved of. Living freely means accepting that some people may dislike you—and having the courage to be disliked is inseparable from the courage to be happy. Adlerian psychology does not promote neglect, but intentional understanding and respect for others’ autonomy.
In the fourth night of discussion, the philosopher emphasizes shifting from a self-centered worldview to one rooted in community and social interest. According to Adlerian psychology, the goal of interpersonal relationships is to cultivate a genuine sense of connection and equality—beginning with “you and I” and extending to all humanity. This requires moving away from attachment to self-interest and embracing concern for others, recognizing that we are not the center of the world. The world is not flat like a map but round like a globe, where everyone shares equal footing. In communication, Adlerian psychology rejects both praise and rebuke, as both reinforce vertical, hierarchical relationships. Praise, though seemingly positive, subtly implies superiority and can cause the recipient to believe they lack inherent ability, making them dependent on external validation. Creating even one vertical relationship can shift all interactions into power dynamics. Instead, Adlerian relationships are built on mutual respect, equality, and the courage to contribute to others without seeking control or approval.
In the fifth and final night of discussion, the philosopher urges the student to live earnestly in the here and now, grounding their life not in self-affirmation but in self-acceptance—acknowledging one’s limitations while still moving forward. Adlerian psychology teaches “affirmative resignation,” the ability to distinguish between what can and cannot be changed. Relationships are founded not on conditional trust but on unconditional confidence—believing in others without expectation or control, which builds horizontal, equal connections. Contribution to others, not self-sacrifice, is at the heart of meaningful work and a sense of purpose. True happiness stems from the feeling that “I am of use to someone,” though it is not up to us to determine the value of our contributions—that is the task of others. Adler warns against workaholism and the pursuit of “easy superiority,” such as acting out for attention, which masks avoidance and insecurity. Instead, he promotes the courage to be normal and to commit to one’s community through honest, consistent effort. The greatest life-lie, he concludes, is avoiding the present moment—failing to live here and now.
In conclusion, Adler teaches that life has no inherent meaning—any meaning must be created by the individual. Finding purpose begins with the courage to live freely, without fear of being disliked or conforming to others’ expectations. This path becomes clear when guided by the principle of contributing to others. As long as you focus on being of use, you won’t lose your way. True freedom is living your own life, and if you want the world to change, that change must start with you.
Other Related Resources
Productivity Game: THE COURAGE TO BE DISLIKED by F. Koga and I. Kishimi | Core Message
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xFxn40zvl-E
Psychological Concepts and Figures
Alfred Adler
Sigmund Freud
Carl Jung
Determinism
Ideal self
Individual psychology
Inferiority
Personality
Rewards and punishments
Self-acceptance
Superiority
Trauma
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